When Giving Up Means Getting a Dog

If you think all men are dogs then you might consider trading your needs for your wants…

A friend of ours recently declared that she was SO over men that she decided to get a dog instead. This woman is in her mid-30’s, attractive and really has it together in most other areas of her life. Apparently, the men that did show up during her many attempts to date and connect with just turned out to be dogs. So why not just get a real one. You know, that will love her unconditionally and forever be her best friend without all the B.S. that comes with the hominid variety? And she is not alone in making this decision. A recent study in the U.K. revealed that 1 in 10 women in relationship with a man actually prefer their pet over their man. Is the male gene pool really that bad off or is there something else going on here that suggests these women could go about finding the man of their dreams in a more effective way…

Tick, Tick, Tick…

We have another female friend in her mid-30’s who is drop-dead gorgeous, and very, very frustrated. One day my Partner and I walked into a restaurant only to see our fetching friend having what appeared to be an intimate conversation with yet another new man. We didn’t hear a word either of them said yet is was instantly clear to us that this was going to be another let down. We came to this conclusion so quickly because her body language was like a neon-sign flashing the words “I need a man!” over and over again. Since she is so attractive, she ends up with having many short-lived relationships where the men get the sex they want until her needs pushes them away. In the inevitable aftermath of each one we are debriefed on what “dogs” all men are.

We observed similar behavior in many women in their 30’s and it is really no surprise. The 30’s are the period of a woman’s life where the ticking of the biological clock becomes more strident the closer one approaches 40. And this is true whether the woman wants children or not. It’s all part of our default Sexual Operating System that is designed for propagation rather than fulfillment.

Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again

The problem here is not the biological clock nor all the horn-dog men out there. The real issue lies with: a) not even being aware of these drives, b) assuming one is “incomplete” without a mate, and c) not being clear about with whom you want to share your life. And without these being addressed honestly head-on, one is doomed to repeat the same experience over and over again. That is, until old Fido and his incessant wagging tail starts looking really good as a substitute life companion.

Finding the right partner starts with first learning to be totally comfortable in your own presence. This means you have the ability to fully enjoy life with or without a partner, i.e. alone yet not lonely. Likewise, want and need are two completely different things. You can still feel complete and yet desire someone to share your life adventure. However, the moment you feel a mate is necessary to feel complete, your needs only serves to ward off potential compatible partners.

Finding the right partner starts with first learning to be totally comfortable in your own presence.

While I can’t speak for all men, I will say that a self-assured woman is far more attractive to most men than one who comes off as needing someone to fulfill them. And, this kind of self-assurance will not settle for anyone she feels does not meet her standards and is fully willing to risk waiting for the one that does.

This of course assumes one is willing to be very clear, ideally in writing, about whom they want as a life Partner. I firmly believe this takes a great deal of introspection and self-questioning as to why various characteristics within a mate are so important. It also means being equally clear on what qualities are not acceptable, no matter what –i.e., the “deal-killers”. While most people will tend to agree with the efficacy of this approach, very few ever follow through. It’s as if they would prefer to have God or the Universe just magically deliver the right person on a silver platter. Without clarity, you are essentially tying the hands of Fate from being able to deliver. And by the way, if you are waiting for Prince Charming you may as well as get that puppy now because P.C., who is the very definition of filling a need, is never going to show up.

…a self-assured woman is far more attractive to most men than one who comes off as needing someone to fulfill them.

Don’t get me wrong I love dogs, and cats, for that matter. They love unconditionally, never judge, comfort you when you are down and can even help you keep warm at night. However, they will never, ever provide the depth of fulfillment that can only come from having an authentic relationship with someone you want and respects you as an equal. And that is the ultimate shared human experience worth risking to prepare for.

Who’s Entitled to Sexual Entitlement

Why sexual entitlement in committed relationships is an anachronism we can do without…

Recently a very close friend of mine reviewed my latest work on extraordinary intimacy. This particular part focused on men giving their female partner what they want in the bedroom. All with the idea that men are wired to feel their greatest sense of sexual fulfilment the more they are able to selflessly please their partner in the way they desire. While he enthusiastically agreed with my thesis and approach, he mentioned something else that took me by total surprise. The very idea of selfless sexual giving apparently also triggered his shadows surrounding male sexual entitlement. My friend is one of the most conscious men I know, so it blew me away when he brought it up. I actually had to ask him if this kind of thing was still prevalent in our society, which he readily confirmed. Wow…

“I have needs.”

I first had to ask him to clarify what he meant by sexual entitlement just to make sure I was fully understanding what he just said. Essentially, he defined his shadow of “male sexual entitlement” as the right to have sex with his partner when he wanted it, primarily to release his periodic libidinous impulses. I guess that’s where the expression “Wifely duty” originated. While he is certainly not the kind of man to act out on these impulses, the fact that he still had them just confirmed how strongly the default human Sexual Operating System* is still in place.
(* The default human Sexual Operating System or S.O.S. is a collection of largely unconscious drives, beliefs and behaviors that impact nearly every aspect of intimate relationships primarily for the purpose of propagation of the species.)

This exchange prompted me to explore more deeply into the issue of sexual entitlement in general. One of the first definitions I found was: “Male sexual entitlement is the belief that men are owed sex on account of their maleness.” Okay. I can see how rapists may justify their actions this way, but conscientious men in committed relationships living in highly advanced societies –come on, really? Perhaps a more sedate version of this is “If I provide for you and the family, you owe it to me to put out when I want it.”

Women Can Feel Sexually Entitled Too

In sharing this story with a sex coach who works primarily with women, she was not the least bit surprised and went on to explain just how prevalent this still is within our culture. She then shared how some women feel equally entitled to “get off” with their man when they want it. Essentially a form of female sexual entitlement. Clearly, as women have become more independent in all areas, this was bound to emerge. It is also not uncommon that the female within a committed relationship has the stronger and more demanding libido. Great news for the lucky stiff she happens to be with, right? Hardly. Unless he really gets off on being used as a flesh and blood masturbation tool.

No One is Entitled to Sexual Favors

I sincerely hope the irony is not missed here. The very definition of a deeply connecting committed intimate relationship asserts that *no one* is owed sexual favors. Sex is one of the most intimate forms of giving that happens to be highly pleasurable. Turning it into an obligatory act of helping one’s partner achieve gratification flies in the face of being truly connected. If I ever felt my partner saw themselves as entitled to my body and sensual giving rather than enjoying it with mutual respect and desire of it, that relationship would soon be over. In my view, the idea of exchange of sex for being a provider or giver of some other value within the relationship is just a more socially acceptable form of the world’s oldest profession.

The very definition of a deeply connecting committed intimate relationship asserts that *no one* is owed sexual favors.

Granted, it is almost impossible for two committed intimate partners to have the same levels of desire at the same time. This will often result with one or the other building up sexual tension looking for release. This is something my partner and I encounter occasionally. I typically have the stronger libido between the two of us. If I sense a strong buildup of sexual energy and desire prior to us getting together, I will sometimes “bleed it off” via masturbation. I do this out of respect for her so that we are on the same level sexually speaking and I am not constantly fighting overwhelming desire for release when we are together. This is something we have discussed openly and she fully appreciates as it reflects my love and respect for her and her needs.

Call me naïve and idealist, but I simply cannot fathom how in 2016 some men (and women) residing in highly advance societies can continue to assume sexual entitlement.  In the grand scheme of things it simply serves no one –period.

Undressing for Success in the Bedroom

Here is one simple thing you can do that will tremendously enhance your lovemaking and bond for each other…

What I’m about to share with you has led to countless hours of exquisite lovemaking and a deeper emotional bond and appreciation between my partner and me. It is so ridiculously simple that it is probably the reason many couples have never even considered it as an intimate ritual that could make such a huge difference. I say this because we only stumbled upon it after a particularly playful episode one evening together. Since then it has become such a powerful component of our relationship that we use it every single time we are together…

Frenetic Disrobing

I suspect that most couples have experienced the lust-laced frantic ripping of each other’s clothes off in a moment of unbridled passion. Yes, it is exciting, breath-taking (literally) and usually very short-lived –as is the coitus that typically follows. This is a phase that eventually succumbs to a more subdued process of self-disrobing before any of the exciting stuff happens.

Part of what drives this frenzied first stage of sexual entanglement is the novelty of exploring each other as new lovers. Where expectation and arousal combine into a highly combustible mixture of erotic adventure, discovery and explosive release. Which can be incredibly exciting while it lasts. However, because its very foundation is based upon the newness of the relationship, it will eventually fade.

Part of what drives this frenzied first stage of sexual entanglement is the novelty of exploring each other as new lovers.

My Partner and I have been together for about three and a half years and enjoy an extraordinary intimate life that only gets better over time. This is a significant fact because most couples will likely admit that their initial honeymoon period represented the most exciting phase of their physical relationship. One of the reasons that ours continues to achieve new heights of passion and pleasurable fulfillment is that we are constantly exploring what is possible. And, we are always listening to our sensual intuition in this regard.

One intimate ritual we discovered quite by accident and in a spirit of playfulness is the way we undress each other. We do this before we make love, before we take a shower together, before retiring to bed with no thought of sex and as we change clothes our before we go out on the town. In other words, any time it is required that we need to get naked for any reason whatsoever we follow this ritual. And the payoff has been and continues to be enormous for the health and mutual enjoyment of our overall relationship.

Slow, Sensual and Present

We make a point of always being fully present any time we do anything together. This means ridding our minds of distraction, agendas, goals, expectations and simply being there for each other in the moment, the Now. It is within this very sensually fertile environment that we conduct our mutual disrobing ritual.

We usually start out facing each other practically nose-to-nose as we gaze into each other’s eyes in acknowledgement of our mutual love and appreciation. Then we typically start lightly stroking each other’s fully clothed bodies as if our hands needed to first get a lay of the land so-to-speak on what should come off first.

Where we start really doesn’t matter. What does make a difference however is that we slowly and sensually undress each other while in this state of full presence. We find that when we remove a piece of the other’s clothing (which happens simultaneously) and do it very slowly, it builds an enormous amount of sensual energy between us. Just the feel of a blouse or shirt slowly lifting off and lightly rubbing our skin as our Partner does it with full intention while they look longingly at what is being slowly revealed can be almost overwhelmingly powerful. And, that’s a potential trap if you are not careful or being fully present. That’s because this heightened state of arousal can easily devolve into the more frantic shedding which will definitely break the spell.

Once the first of our garments are removed we typically take a while to lightly caress and kiss each other in the exposed areas. This is accompanied by soft, gentle kissing where our lips are barely touching yet megawatts of sensual energy is passing between them. Then we continue the process of slow, thoughtful mutual undressing and caressing / kissing until we are standing together fully nude.

A very, very sexy variation of this that we often apply is when we look in a large mirror observing each other doing this. In these instances, our caressing is often more overtly sexually explorative and designed to ignite our sensual imaginations. Despite the fact that we’ve done this many times, it still gets me extremely hot just thinking about it as I write this.

Granted, not every couple may want to see each other naked in the glaring light of a brightly lit room. If this is the case, then consider turning down the lights or even off. Use your imagination, hands and lips as the tools of exploration as you go through this mutual undressing ritual. In either case, lights on or off, you will find this to be a deeply connecting experience that keeps things fresh (since each time is unique) and juicy.

What if You Don’t Want to have Sex?

Of course, this practically begs the question as to why a couple would bother with this ritual if they have no intention of following it up with sex. And my answer to that is “Why not?”. Consider this for a moment: If you and your partner could do something every time you are together that resulted in re-kindling passion, desire, love and appreciation for each other, why wouldn’t you?

I think women in particular appreciate this kind of sensual gift that doesn’t always have to lead to sex. And guys, this is an important point. It is not uncommon for women to hesitate kissing a long-term partner for fear that he may get the idea she wants sex when in fact she just wants to express love and affection.

It is not uncommon for women to hesitate kissing a long-term partner for fear that he may get the idea she wants sex when in fact she just wants to express love and affection.

So imagine the impact to your relationship (no matter how many years you’ve been together) if you were to include this ritual even for reasons that did not always end up in having sex (i.e. getting dressed up to go out on the town). By doing so you build an enormous bank account of trust and appreciation within your Partner. And, you are both likely to enjoy each other far more when you do have physical intimacy. Trust me, that buildup of sensual energy lasts a long time. Now granted, this can be difficult to practice if you are always in a hurry. If that is the case, just plan ahead to set aside the time to do it right.

So here’s my challenge to you and your Partner. Incorporate this ritual for the next seven days any time you are both together and your clothes have to come off for any reason whatsoever. And then let me know what that did for your relationship by emailing me directly at contact@MichaelRusserLive.com. I would love to hear from you!

Nothing ventured, nothing gained –and believe me, there is a whole world of intimate adventure to be gained awaiting you both.